[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback![]()
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Everyone’s family
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
The game has officially changed 😎
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My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.