After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Salad is the decaf of food.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
