PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
nobody’s gonna understand
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die