After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Sex so good you see dead people.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
