After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Hard not to take this personally
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.