After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls