After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
🤣🤣🤣
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Bread puns are on the rise!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I know karate and tons of other words.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.