After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting