Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me: