Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine