Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

he chose this

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

bought wrong eggs

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice