Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?