After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
The Assassin.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time