Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up