Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right