Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Pigeon open mic night.

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Finally

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.