Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground