After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
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Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
get you a girl who
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
This kid is going places
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I can’t stop laughing at this
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
This is so wrong 😂
