after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
So we got a goldfish…
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.