[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
the battle rages on
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
People buying plungers never look happy.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy