*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Chemical wingman
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.