*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.