*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
March 16
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”