*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.