After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread