After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
