After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
