[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.