[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.