[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Chicago sounds lovely.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight