[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348