Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?