Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.