Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

who named him groot and not spruce lee

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free