Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

😂

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?