After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!