Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Important

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.