After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.