After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
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Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
They did not think through this water fountain
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.