After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My love language is hissing.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
That’s no pocket rocket.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
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[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.