After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Me too door. Me too.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
welp
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
🛁
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Meowchelangelo
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.