After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The real reason evolution started..😂
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion![]()
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just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.