After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
motivation
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
A short story of betrayal:
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
guilty
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.