Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Jogging has never helped my memory.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.