Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

This seems like peak sibling energy

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.