After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.