After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.