After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢