After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s