Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You better wish for more oil

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks