[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Lmfaoooooo
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?