[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Finally
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.