After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
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*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans