Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Not all heroes wear capes….

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

☠️ ☠️

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”