After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
You Might Also Like
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
We’ve all been there
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush