After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
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Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.