Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

Something Saturday.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.