[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
is he marrying that labradoodle
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?