[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
There is no try. There is only give up.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?