[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
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GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?