Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

this is a sign that you need a union

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

My dream job is getting paid to dream

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.