Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”