[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
#MeanwhileInCanada
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
October already? What’s next? November????
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
The best shot in the history of golf
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
bro what is going on at twitter
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.