Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

What’s so funny?

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?