[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
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It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??