After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.