Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”