After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List