After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere