Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.