Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re so productive for your wage

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

If snakes were wide

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.