Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.