After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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why neck hurt
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these