Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.