Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I JUST SAW A MAN KICK A RAT WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT DID THAT RAT EVER DO TO YOU SIR FOR ALL YOU KNOW HE COULD BE AN AMAZING CHEF IN PARIS
“I’m leaving you”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.
Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.