@PlainTravis

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

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@YayForJam

Anyone who’s voice doesn’t jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living

@Brianhopecomedy

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

@MariyaAlexander

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@LauraBenanti

I JUST SAW A MAN KICK A RAT WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT DID THAT RAT EVER DO TO YOU SIR FOR ALL YOU KNOW HE COULD BE AN AMAZING CHEF IN PARIS

@ehdannyboy

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

@1InTheStinker

The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.

@SadieSkyNinja

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.