After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Mornin
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
umm…
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
sensitive skin