After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Strangers have the best candy.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice